music and thoughts

So...one of my favorite parts of Christmas is the music. Classic songs, parodies, and of course, songs of Christ's birth. I listened to probably my favorite song about just that tonight on the way home from OKC. It is called, 'A Strange Way to Save the World'. That song is one of the songs in my life that can bring me to my knees in thankfulness. But, the message of it is so simple...so real. Joseph thinking, "Why me? Why Him? Why her?" It just seems such a strange way...to save the world. It always get me thinking...
If you have never heard the song, look at up. I remember my old pastor, Chris Philbeck, singing the song. But, probably my favorite version is Michael Crawford. Good stuff.

Another song that Michael Crawford has on his Christmas CD that I love (and that touches me no matter who sings it because of the lyrics, but wow, can Mr. Crawford belt it out!) is 'O Holy Night'. "Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!" Man. Chills.

Christmas time is a time of reflection too...well, and New Year's. The end of the year process, I guess. It's funny in a way, sometimes I think I reflect too much...not living in the present enough. I think a lot...and I like to be alone to think. It seems the more I get older, the more I want to be alone with my thoughts...but, my thoughts tell me I should be more relational. It sure is hard.

To be honest, I have never let myself grow close to people I love...and that is no way to live. It is the safe way, sure, but did Christ want us to live safely? I am sorry for my family and my friends for the way I am. I should be more open, more transparent...less selfish and less closed. It is hard for me. The closer I get to people I love, the more anxious I get about anything that could hurt me or them. If I am not close, when something happens, I won't hurt...much. Losing my mom hurt. A lot. Losing Nicole's mom hurt a lot. I know it is part of life, but I don't like it. But. I have to change. I need to live my life involved, invested in my relationships. Hurt when those around me hurt...laugh when those around me laugh. Live. Life.

I have been failing miserably. And I ask your forgiveness. I will try to change. Again, it is hard, but I will try. Change my focus. Look for happiness where it needs to be looked for...look for love where it needs to be looked for...live life for whom it needs to be lived.

And that...is not me.